When he became the victim
by dirtyminded
Summary: Ryder becomes the victim of rape, then he and everything changes - his world will never be the same. plz r/r
1. fateful assail

Ryder frowned at his cigarette after taking one last final drag from it, before chucking it onto the ground and crushing it under his heel. He was walking back to Rawley boys academy, determined to be back before the curfew, otherwise he'd be in much more trouble than he needed at that time. Why the hell hadn't he taken his corvette? It was less time and effort than walking he grumbled to himself. He decided to cut across the wooded area towards the academy, as it was a shortcut. He looked up when the sound of rustling caught his attention followed by laughter and three guys suddenly came into his view from the trees to his left. "What are you doing here?" one of them asked, and Ryder spotted the can of lager in the guys hand and gave him a look of annoyance.  
  
"I'm walking, what does it look like?" he replied, stupid drunk he thought.  
  
"Oh look guys we've found ourselves a cocky little English toff" the guy leered, his two mates smirking and chuckling behind him. "You're one of those rawley spoilt rich brats aren't you?" Ryder narrowed his eyes at him, "get out of my way" he was rather annoyed and bored now, "before I get really pissed off" "Oh what are you going to do? There's one of you mate, three of us - you've got to other rawley brats to back you up" Ryder rolled his eyes and attempted to just push past the guy he considered nothing more than an all mouth, stupid drunk. The guy stepped forward and put a hand on his chest stopping him going past. "Trying to run back to your precious academy? Hit the showers with the guys before bed time? I bet you're all faggots. you look it, faggot" the guy drawled, the stench of beer on his breath. Ryder's nostrils flared a bit as he glared at the guy in anger, "what the fuck did you just call me?!" he yelled angrily. "Are you deaf faggot?" the guy pushed him hard enough to make him take a step back. "or do you usually answer to slut?" Ryder moved forward ready to punch the guy but despite his apparent drunkness the guy beat him to it and delievered a sharp punch in Ryder's face, causing him to fall backwards onto the ground and for blood to spill out of his nose. "You're going to regret that!" Ryder threatened, and swallowed as he looked up at the three guys, wishing now he really had gone out in the corvette. "I don't think so. You Rawley scum think you're so much better than us because you have cash to flash and fancy cars and clothes. Huh! You're below us, you're the scum" the guy was shouting. "If you want money then fine" Ryder said pulling out about $50 from his jacket pocket and holding it out, "I don't"- "We don't want your stinking money!" the guy yelled, hitting Ryder's hand and sending the notes flying in the air before settling down onto the muddy ground. "Then what do you"- "We're going to teach you a lesson" the guy smirked, throwing his now empty lager can into a near by bush and got closer to Ryder, delivering a kick sharply to his side and to his ribs making Ryder cry out from the pain. "Come on guys, lets give the faggot exactly what he deserves" the guy laughed. Ryder took a sharp breath in, realising way too late how much of a bad situation he was in. He kept cursing in his mind, feeling so weak and powerless for once it made him sick. There was one of him, three of them, and he winced and cried out from the kicks and punched he got. He lay on the ground, feeling light headed when he felt two pairs of hands grab him by the arms and turn him over, holding him down onto the ground. He squirmed and tried to loosen their grip, "what the hell are you doing?" he shouted, confusion and panic beginning to creep onto him coldly. "Like I said, giving you exactly what you deserve" the guy spoke from behind Ryder. Ryder than realised, being held down by two people, and one guy behind him- "Don't! DON'T! LET GO OF ME!" He yelled feeling more panic and hysterical as he felt hands tugging his trousers down, and the sickening realisation on what was to come dawned on him. "Shut up!" he was yelled at and got another kick. His face was pressed down onto the muddy ground and he felt a pair of hands grab onto his hips. In his mind he was praying to God. "Please don't!" he shouted feeling hot tears sting his eyes as he squeezed them shut. "NOO- AAARRGGHH!" he screamed in pure agony as the guy slammed into him.  
  
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Finn was glaring at the clock as he stood in the entrance of the academy awaiting Ryder's return. He was late, really late, and missing the curfew meant that Ryder was in big trouble, he was already on report as it was for bad behaviour. Some of the students were hanging around, waiting to see Ryder being yelled at and face Finn's wrath. By the angry look on Finn's face the students could tell Ryder was done for now. Will and Scout were among the students hanging around. Scout was smirking madly, "I can't wait for Ryder to get back and get exactly what he deserves" he chuckled. "it's about time he gets punished for his crimes" Will gave a lopsided smile to his friend and glanced to Finn, "I wonder where he is and when he's going to be back" "Maybe he won't come back at all" Scout said to him with a sound of hope, "we all know he's only doing this for attention and to piss people off" "Isn't that the reason for everything he does?" Hamilton appeared by their sides with Jake in tow. "Who cares anyway, I don't see the big deal" Jake muttered. "Hello - we're talking about Ryder here, the most annoying English bastard anyone's ever to come across!" "Maybe we should find seats and some popcorn, its going to be pure entertainment when he gets back" Scout laughed with Hamilton. Will chewed his lip and glanced back to the very angry looking Finn.  
  
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Ryder threw up in the bushes, choking on the bile mixed with blood. He choked out another painful sob, crawling on his hands and knees across the grass towards the academy. His whole body was wracked with pain, the most pain he'd ever felt in his life. It felt like someone had taken a knife and shredded him apart from the inside out, a hot burning throbbing pain bursting his insides. Bruises littered his pale skin, blood poured from his nose and mouth. He spat the contents of his mouth out and remained still a moment. It hurt so much to move, yet he couldn't stop shaking, the shock and horror of what had just happened to him taking over. He couldn't get what happened out of his head. He never imagined that him, Ryder Forrest, could be a victim of such an attack. Victim, the word made him feel sick and made his skin crawl. He felt so numb inside, hardly believing it had happened to him. It was like time had stopped and he'd been drop kicked into some parallel universe. He was in so much pain he just wanted to lie down on the grass and die. He wanted to get rid of all this dirt and pain inside him. His vision was totally blurred from all the tears and he looked up, seeing he was outside the academy entrance, he could see the lights on through the gaps of the curtains and continued to painfully crawl his way to the building. Reaching the steps to the entrance he painfully climbed up them, his hands shaking on the stone, and blood from his face dripped down onto the steps. He finally after what felt like eternity reached the door and slumped against it, letting out another sob before painfully with not much strength began hitting his weak fist against the door.  
  
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"ooh this is it" Hamilton said nudging Jake, and the small group of friends looked up expectantly towards Finn who was glaring at the door as he strode over to it as the weak knocking continued. "I bet he'll be drunk" Hamilton leant over and said to Jake. Finn angrily threw open the front door, "WHAT TIME DO Y.." what ever angry words were about to come out of his mouth disappeared with shock as Ryder's body just fell through the door and he sprawled onto the floor. Everyone stared open mouthed with shock and horror and the bruised and bloody sobbing hysterical mess that was Ryder. "I was.. I didn't. I was gunna be on time.but.but." Ryder managed to somewhat choke out the words between sobs, his whole body shaking and wracked with pain. "Ryder, oh God, it, oh God" Finn said as he knelt down to help Ryder up, by picking him up or something but as soon as he went near Ryder, Ryder began hitting out at him screaming at him to get away and not touch him, then back pedalled until his back hit the wall. The students just all stood there frozen with shock, and feeling such shame and guilt for the way they had waited so excitedly for Ryder to return, making jokes and insulting him, saying how much they hated him etc. And he returned like this, and it was scaring them. They'd never seen Ryder look so weak and helpless before, they'd never seen him cry before, and they'd never seen anyone in a state like this before. Finn looked over at them all, "everybody get out of here! Go on!" he yelled, and watched as students left quickly, and some somewhat reluctantly. Hamilton put an arm around a nearly crying Jake and led him away, and Scout felt too shocked to do anything. Will went over to Finn and asked "is there anything I can do?" "We need to call an ambulance" Finn said his eyes leaving the sight of a hysterical Ryder, with his bloody hands gripping on his hair as he curled up against the wall shaking and breathing rapidly, "I think. he's been raped" Finn said in a hushed worried voice to Will who was staring at them in horror. 


	2. sanatorium rapt

A/N - thankyou to TwirlyGirly2K for being the first reviewer, it was great to get ur opinion. I think ur right about the Finn and curfew thing, I kinda thought well the curfew would just mean he'd have to be in at a certain time. I didn't think about it that much it was just a way of getting everyone to find out quickly and that ( well heres the next part!  
Ryder lay on his side on the hospital bed in a clean hospital gown, staring into space, lost in his own world. His body felt so numb with pain, he didn't feel it was a part of him anymore, he felt so detached, from himself and everything around him. The world didn't seem such a nice place to be in anymore. He purely hated his body now. He could feel all the pain and dirt inside of him running through his veins, and he couldn't get it out. There was nothing he could do, for once he was totally powerless and weak, and he felt so sick with himself, sick at what had happened.  
  
Now he was stuck inside a hospital, which made Ryder feel like he was locked up in a white box of hell. Everything seemed to be white - the floor, the walls, the ceilings, the bed, his hospital gown - and they were that off, dirty white colour. Nothing looked pure, bright or clean anymore. All the usual hospital sounds went on around him but he was oblivious. The nurses chatter, squeaks of shoes down the corridors, sounds of beds being wheeled in and out of rooms, machine blips, fell upon deaf ears. He was oblivious; he was lost, trapped in the horror of being a victim.  
  
Finn finished speaking to the doctor who told him about Ryder's injuries, no fractures, just cuts and cruises, and obvious rape injuries. The doctor said in a low voice about how it would be wise for Ryder to get counselling and suggested a few victim support groups. Finn thanked him and said he'd like to speak with Ryder for a while before the police would arrive. He was hoping Ryder might tell him about who did this, or just let Finn be a shoulder to cry on. He hated seeing anybody suffer, and seeing Ryder suffer a horrific ordeal like this. he pulled up a chair beside the bed and sat on it, frowning sadly at Ryder who's eyes had glazed over and his features had a new scared look to them, his face marred with cuts and bruises.  
  
"Ryder" Finn spoke quietly, and watched the boy flinch and look at him startled as if realising suddenly he was there. "I've just spoken to the doctor, he says"-  
  
"I want to leave" Ryder's voice sounded hoarse and croaky.  
  
"Ryder" Finn sighed-  
  
"I want to go back.to the academy. this place is making me go out of my mind" Ryder whispered with a whine in his tone and a haunted look in his eyes.  
  
"The doctor's want you to stay overnight so they can keep an eye on you" Finn explained.  
  
Ryder shook his head slightly, "I just need to go back, back to my own room, my own bed" he spoke, though his throat felt like it was burning from acid.  
  
"The doctor's are doing everything they can, to do the best for you. You're in an awful state, you need to rest - this is the best place for you to be right now"  
  
"any psycho could be here" Ryder's eyes were darting around with paranoia, though it could be his fear of hospitals. "I just want.. need to go back to the academy"  
  
"Everybody's worried about you and want to help you"-  
  
"I don't want help I want to go back!" Ryder tried shouting but ended up wincing from pain and bit his lip hard, feeling hot tears sting his eyes again. Like anybody really cared he thought, he bet they were loving this, seeing him be the victim for once, being the one in pain, full of weakness.  
  
Finn stared sadly at him, "I'll speak to the doctors about it" there was a cough making Ryder jump startled and stare with wide eyes past Finn, who turned in his chair to see two police men standing there looking grim.  
  
"Excuse me, we know this is a difficult time, but we have to ask a few questions"- one of them began explaining.  
  
"You called the police?" Ryder asked staring at Finn as if he was mad.  
  
"Whoever did this to you deserves to be punished Ryder" Finn spoke, a hint of anger - towards whoever did it - in his voice.  
  
"Yes. Ryder, you'll need to give us all the information you can - you need to tell us exactly what happened, and where abouts, and try and give a description of the attacker"-  
  
"I don't. I can't deal with this right now" Ryder said, tears leaking from his eyes.  
  
The other police man coughed, "sorry. we can come back later"  
  
"Yes, thanks that'd be"- Finn spoke but was interrupted by Ryder.  
  
"No just stay away!" Ryder tried shouting again. They all looked alarmed at him.  
  
"They're trying to help you" Finn said.  
  
"By making me go over it again? Relive it all?! I want to forget about it, just leave me alone all of you!" Ryder let out a sob and curled up a bit more on the bed hugging himself.  
  
Finn looked down then stood up, "um, I think you should go"  
  
The policemen nodded, "we understand sir" the younger looking one stepped towards Finn "I know this is difficult. if he does change his mind and want to talk to us then call us immediately. nobody should have to go through what he did"  
  
"Will do, thanks" Finn said quietly then watched the policemen leave. He turned to face Ryder and frowned before sitting back in the seat. He had to bring up something else that would be tough. "Ryder we're going to have to call your parents and tell them what's happened," he told him in the same quiet voice.  
  
Ryder quickly answered with frantic shaking of his head, "don't!" it sounded more afraid than a warning. "Don't, please, I don't want everyone knowing"  
  
"But they're your family Ryder, they should know"-  
  
"No! Just. stop it! Stop it and leave me alone!" Ryder covered his eyes with his hands and mumbled brokenly "I just want to go". Finn didn't have a clue about what Ryder's family was like, about how strong and fixed their opinions and expectations were. He didn't know about the uncaring mother he had who was all too happy to send him away to a different country, or the alcoholic step dad who somehow paid for it all. He thought here in America things would be different; he'd no longer be made to feel weak or pain. But he was wrong, so wrong. In fact it was worse.  
  
Finn frowned and stood up slowly "You need your rest I'll go talk to the doctor, and we'll talk about telling your parents later" he said and left the room, leaving Ryder alone.  
  
Ryder immediately tensed up and looked around the room. He was all alone now. Alone, like when he was. he shut his eyes tight. Flashes of what happened went through his mind and he opened his eyes again with a gasp. He could still see it in his mind though and felt his breathing quicken. He felt that fear, panic and horror all over again. He let out a painful sob and gripped the quilt covering him with his hands. He could feel his nails dig into his palms even though the material. He felt so naked and vulnerable despite being covered. He didn't feel covered enough though and let out another sob, hot tears streaming down his bloodied face. He didn't want anymore near him. He didn't want eyes looking at him with pity or sympathy. He didn't want to be touched at all. He wanted to push everyone away so they wouldn't get close enough to hurt him again. But at the same time he didn't want to be alone, he was afraid of being alone, with nothing but the horrific memory fresh in his mind.  
  
What did he do to deserve this? He knew he was a bad guy and did bad things, that he treated people like crap and never seemed to care about anyone or anything else. He knew he made other people's lives a misery, but did he really deserve to have this happen to him? Was this the ultimate punishment for being the way he was? It was like everybody's hate and resentment towards him all rolled into this one event and hit him with so much force, that it sent him into a whole new dark isolated dimension.  
  
"lets give the faggot exactly what he deserves" the voice echoed in Ryder's mind, another flash of the ordeal crossing his mind make him bite his lip and squeezed his eyes shut tight, spilling hot acid like tears over his lashes. Is that what they thought? That he was a faggot? What had he done or said to give them that impression? He went through a whole list in his mind, from the way he was dressed to the way he might have looked at them. "I'm not a faggot" he whispered to himself. Saying it out loud it suddenly hit him how harsh that word was. What a bitter cruel sounding word it was that made his insides twist. "Christ" he breathed out. He thought about all the times he used that word to insult people. How he effortlessly used that word against Hamilton and Jake, saying it so casually like any other name. I'm not like them he thought, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not he repeated over in his mind. He shifted on the bed and winced from the pain, feeling fresh tears spring to his eyes.  
  
God look what they've turned you into! He thought bitterly. He couldn't seem to stop crying, and wondered where all the tears had come from. He'd never cried so much in his life and hated himself for that too, it was another sign of weakness and he detested that. He detested what they'd reduced him too in such a short time: a terrified weak boy afraid of everyone and everything - afraid of himself even.  
  
He pulled the quilt tighter around himself. He wished he could turn back time. Why the hell hadn't he gone out in his car? Why did he have take the short cut? Why didn't he just run off when he had the chance to? Why didn't he fight back? Why him? Why out of everybody did he have to be the one who got raped? WHY? So many questions, so many lost answers, so much regret. He sniffed and stared ahead as he realised there was nothing he could do to change things, there was nothing he could do about it all. He was powerless over it all. 


	3. Shower interlude

The academy had been washed into a tide of reflective sadness and there was a dull atmosphere throughout. Nobody could believe such an awful thing would happen around an area like that, and they were wondering what kind of a monstrous person would do such an attack on anybody. There were a lot of people who disliked Ryder, but they all agreed that nobody deserved to go through such an ordeal that he had, and they all felt so sympathetic, and also had a sense of guilt. They'd been given a 'special assembly' about what had happened to Ryder, and were told about how to protect themselves and what to do if anything like that happened to them, and to give any information they could to the school and police. "Notice how they only suddenly get worried about protection AFTER something bad like that happens?" Jake had muttered to his friends as they'd left the assembly that day.  
  
Ryder was returning to the academy that afternoon. It took a lot of persuading from the doctors to convince him to stay overnight at the hospital, but he wanted to be out as soon as possible. The doctor's were very concerned about his well-being, mentally as well as physically but in the end they decided if Ryder wanted to leave then they should let him. Before agreeing to let him leave, the doctors told him about counselling and victim support groups and how they could help. He glared at them and felt his anger flare up, he hated this whole victim thing - "I don't need any stupid pansy help group or some shrink analysing me - I'm not crazy okay!" he had snapped, "I don't want to sit there talking about it, I just want to forget about it okay so leave me alone!". Finn tried speaking to Ryder about it again later but that failed again so he decided to leave it, but noted down the contacts from the doctors anyway in case.  
  
Ryder winced as he changed from the wretched hospital gown into his normal clothes. Finn had got fresh clean clothes from the academy and brought them for Ryder to wear. He didn't know where the clothes he'd worn the night before were and he didn't care either - he didn't want to see them again and be reminded of what had happened. He shuddered and winced again as he put his arm through a sleeve.  
  
"Do you want help?" Finn's voice behind him made him jump and almost fall off the bed as he turned to look in panic to see who was there, "sorry I didn't mean to scare"-  
  
"I'm capable of dressing myself!" Ryder snapped and looked away as he zipped up the jacket and felt satisfied that all of his body was covered by the baggy clothing he wore, "and don't creep up on people its - (scary, he thought) - rude"  
  
Finn picked up the bag that had Ryder's stuff in it, "are you sure about not spending another night"-  
  
"Yes. Can we leave now?" Ryder cut in to make it clear. He watched Finn nod and have a disapproving expression. "Good. I just want to go back, and have a shower." he trailed off. Yes he desperately wanted a shower, to wash off all the dirt he still felt. He then felt a slight panic of the thought of going into the communal showers, having to undress, be naked. Be naked and dirty-  
  
"Ryder are you." Finn was going to say okay but it was a stupid question after what had happened.  
  
"Just get me out of here" Ryder said wrapping his arms around himself and looking down at the ground. Finn slung the bag over his back and led Ryder out of the room, glancing over his shoulder at the boy walking close by, with his head down and arms wrapped around his body as if trying to protect himself.  
  
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The engine died and the two people inside the car sat in silence for a moment. Finn looked over to the passenger side where Ryder was practically pressed right up against the door and staring out of the window seemingly oblivious. He'd been silent the whole journey, with a glazed look over his eyes, as Finn told him that he could take as much time off from lessons as he needed, that they were all there for him etc. Ryder didn't seem to care or notice. Ryder was staring out the window, feeling sick because they'd driven past the woods he'd cut across, the woods where he was-  
  
"Ryder?" Finn repeated looking at him. Ryder turned and looked at him with an expressionless face and dull empty eyes. He looked so ragged and awful. Ryder glanced away from Finn back to the door and reached for the handle opening it before snapping off his seat belt and moving out of the car quickly.  
  
As soon as he stood up he looked up to see students walking past slowly, or stopping to stare at him. He some people whispering to each other, nudging and looking over in his direction. They all had those looks on their faces. Oh god, Ryder thought, they all know - they all know what a dirty slut I am, they all think I deserved it, he misread.  
  
"Ryder" Finn had walked around the car to stop in front of him, and Ryder jumped startled from his sudden appearance. "Do you want me to get somebody to stay with you, help you get settled back in?"  
  
"No!" Ryder snapped without meaning to. "I just want to be on my own"  
  
Finn nodded slowly but didn't like the idea of Ryder being on his own in his state. "Okay, well at least let me walk you to your room. I'll carry your bag for you" Finn said, moving to the boot of his car to get the bag.  
  
Ryder stood there waiting, and feeling naked as he felt a lot of people's gazes on him. It was making him feel all panicky again and he was feeling his breathing start to quicken. "Just leave the bag in my room I'm going for a shower" he quickly said and practically sped off to the building, and walked quickly down the hallways feeling eyes watching him. He felt sick again, and nearly yelped from surprise when someone brushed past him.  
  
"sorry!" that someone called after him as Ryder then ran to the shower room and burst in through the door. He was gasping for breath as the door bounced off the wall and slammed shut again. He leant against the tiled wall and shut his eyes tight willing away the feeling of being watched before he opened his eyes again. The room was that off white colour, just like in the hospital. He frowned and slowly walked forward, the silence and stillness of the room feeling artificial to him. He was alone again, but that didn't stop him feeling panicky. He checked all the cubicles slowly with a pounding heart, to make sure no-one was there to jump out at him. Why am I so paranoid? He was thinking before he slipped into the end shower and yanked the curtain across, the rings making a metallic sliding noise across the rail.  
  
He leant against the wall again and realised he was shaking. The curtain didn't make him feel anymore protected, shielding what was outside of the shower to him. Anyone could be waiting outside and he wouldn't know. They could just rip the curtain away and jump at him, attack him - he didn't realise he was edging backwards until his back his the taps and he let out a sound of surprise as he turned to look at what he'd bumped into. Stop being so pathetic! He was shouting at himself inside his head. Stop being so paranoid!  
  
He swallowed nervously, which hurt his throat, it felt like swallowing a brick. He felt like his skin was crawling and he began to think of all the dirt inside him again, settled under the skin, absorbed into the veins - flashes of the attack went through his mind again and he found himself blindly reaching for the taps, before his hand slammed down and turned it on.  
  
He jumped again from surprise when warm water burst out with a violent hiss and rained down on him as he stood there and closed his eyes, biting his lip and forcing back the tears that were threatening to break free. He didn't care that he was fully clothed, he didn't want to risk taking them off. He didn't want to be naked and vulnerable, he didn't want to look at his disgusting body and see all the cuts and bruises. The water ran over his body but he didn't feel any cleaner -  
  
BANG! The door to the shower room bursting open caused him to jump and let out a small scream of surprise.  
  
"H..hello?" there was a startled voice calling out and the sound of footsteps.  
  
Ryder felt his breathing quicken as his eyes widened. He could hear whoever it was there, he could feel their presence, he knew they were getting closer, and closer and that the shower curtain wouldn't protect him from them. He ran forward in a desperate attempt to run away, the curtain brushing past his skin and tangling a bit as he stumbled out, tripped and slid against the wall.  
  
"Ryder?" he looked up to see Will staring at him alarmed. "are. you all right?" he asked with an incredulous expression, taking a step towards him.  
  
Ryder looked like a deer caught in the headlights as he pushed Will out of the way and ran as fast as he could to get out. He threw the door open with a force that could have ripped it off as he legged it down from the showers, dripping wet towards his room.  
  
"Ryder!" Will called running out into the hallway and stopping. Ryder was aware of all the weird surprised looks he got as he ran to his bedroom. The door was already open as he entered and he jumped surprised when he saw Finn and backed up against the wall.  
  
Finn had been unpacking Ryder's bag but stopped to look at the boy with surprise. Pressed up against the wall, looking terrified, dripping wet and fully clothed, soaked. His breaths were ragged and Ryder felt like his lungs were breaking inside of him, and that any moment he'd explode.  
  
"What happened? You need to calm down, breathe Ryder.. breathe" Finn said walking towards him. He glanced to the open door and saw that one or two curious students had stopped outside the room to see what was going on.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here? What you doing with my stuff?!" Ryder managed to snap between gasps of breaths.  
  
"I was unpacking your bag. Please, sit down on the bed, try to"-  
  
"No! Don't come near me!" Ryder shouted, "just get out of my room! Leave me alone! Now!"  
  
"Ry"-  
  
"GET OUT!" Ryder was screaming at him hysterically. "Stop staring at me, just leave me alone!" the tears he had fought to hold back were now running freely down his face.  
  
Finn really did not want to leave Ryder on his own, but he didn't want the boy to go completely hysterical. He raised his hands up in an 'I mean you no harm' way. "okay. okay. I'm just going to go. I'll be in my office if you need me, when you've calmed down. okay?" he said and slipped out the room, closing the door behind himself. "Hey you lot, this isn't some kind of show, get out of here" he said to the few students hanging around the hallway. They looked embarrassed before darting off in different directions.  
  
In his room, Ryder had slid down the wall to the floor and curled up, running his hands through his wet messy hair. A montage of flashes of imagery ran through his mind - the rape, the hospital, the looks the students gave him, the look Will gave him back in the shower room. He felt like everyone was watching him now. "stop it stop it stop it" he whispered to himself letting out a sob, "make it stop". 


	4. secluded nightmare

"He went totally schizo! Screaming and yelling - I thought he was going to hit Finn" some student was telling his friends in the common room. Will, Jake, Scout and Hamilton were sat nearby and glanced at each other as they overheard.  
  
"Huh, not as if he wasn't crazy before what happened" one of the boys friends commented and they made silent agreement amongst them.  
  
"Hey" Will said sitting forward and catching the group's attention "you shouldn't be going around saying that stuff" he watched them give each other glances and biting lips, "if you're going to bitch, do it somewhere else!". He watched the group slowly trail off and shaking their heads giving him looks.  
  
Jake shook his head, "those kinds of people make me sick. How would they feel if they'd been raped and people were talking behind their backs?" The others went silent and thought to themselves reflectively. They looked up, a noticeable presence in the room, one that was uncomfortable and silent and they looked up to see a dishevelled looking Ryder there. He was glancing around nervously as people stared at him.  
  
"Hey Ryder do you.. want to sit with us?" Will asked trying to be friendly, and Ryder stared at him like he was mad. He hates me Ryder thought, why's he being all friendly now? Oh of course pity, what else do I expect from someone like Will.  
  
"Man we're sorry about. well what happened to you, you didn't deserve it" Jake spoke standing up from his seat and they all felt awkward as Ryder glanced around. "We're all here to support you" Jake added and reached a hand forward to try placing a friendly hand on Ryder's shoulder, but he jumped back alarmed.  
  
"Get away from me faggot!" he shouted, not realising what he yelled until afterwards and he knew that wasn't what he'd meant to say, immediately regretting it. Jake was staring at him with wide surprised eyes, as was most people in the common room as his outburst gained attention.  
  
Hamilton stood up angrily glaring at Ryder. Even after going through something so horrific Ryder could manage to be an evil bastard Hamilton thought, and the hate he felt for Ryder flashed in his mind "you're one to talk, seeing as you got fucked by a guy the other night" he blurted out.  
  
"HAMILTON!" Jake whirled around to glare at him and hit him in the chest, hardly believing he just said that.  
  
Something flickered behind Ryder's eyes and a frown pulled on his face immediately, before he glanced at everyone then turned on his heel and ran back off.  
  
"I can't believe you said that you insensitive jerk!" Jake was shouting at Hamilton. "I didn't mean to! He.. he called you a"-  
  
"Who cares Hamilton? Didn't you see the petrified look on his face when I went near him?" Jake asked. "So that makes it allright?" Hamilton retaliated.  
  
"You know how defensive he is anyway, its like a barrier he puts up" Jake shrugged. Scout shook his head and leaned back in his seat, "see how much trouble he causes?" he muttered.  
  
"Its not his fault!" Will shouted and the room went silent again. He blushed a little and lowered his voice, "like Jake says, he's petrified and has even more of a reason to put up a barrier now. What he said was wrong, but come on - think of what happened to him just the other night. He must be stuck in a living hell right now" The group went quiet again and stared down at their feet.  
  
"Jake, I only said that to him because"-  
  
"I don't care Hamilton. I'm going to my room - alone" he added giving him a look before leaving.  
  
Will frowned and looked at Scout who looked uninterested and wanted to be anywhere else but there, and Hamilton who looked beyond pissed off. "I'm going to go see if Ryder's all right" he muttered and stood up.  
  
------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ryder was sat on the floor with his knees bent and embracing them, back against the door as he bit his lip hard, making it bleed a little, the coppery tangy test in his mouth. Hamilton's words and his attacker's words ran through his mind, and he thought back to his earlier questions of - what gave the impression I was a faggot? And he went through the lists in his mind again, picking at everything about himself. Did this mean he was gay now? Because he'd had sex with males? He didn't want it to happen, it was rape, but it didn't change that now people knew he'd been fucked by males. So did that mean he was gay? Hamilton's words repeated over and over in his mind. He remembered the looks everyone had given him. If that's what Hamilton thought then that must have been what everyone else thought right? I didn't want it to happen Ryder thought, I didn't even like it. But then he had cum. He grimaced and bit his lip harder feeling utter disgust. How could he have done that during what they did? He wasn't enjoying it at all yet he had. and they. God how they laughed and the stuff they'd said. "See Faggot's enjoying it, better keep going". I wasn't enjoying it I hated it! Every second I hated it and just wanted to die! Ryder thought angry and disgusted with himself. He closed his eyes and tried willing the flashes of memories in his mind to go away. I'm not a faggot, I'm not a faggot he repeated over and over in his mind as if trying to convince himself.  
  
KNOCK KNOCK! The soft banging on the door made him jump and gasp in surprise. "Go away!" he called absent-mindedly and remained sat there hugging his knees to his chest tighter, feeling like a small stubborn child.  
  
"Ryder it's me Will. I came to see if you were allright" the familiar voice drifted through from the other side of the door.  
  
Figures Ryder thought, Will- the guy who was ever trying to be good and nice to everyone, even the people he hated. "I'm just peachy, now go away!"  
  
"Hamilton didn't mean to say what he did, you know he gets defensive about him and Jake" Will continued speaking from the other side of the door.  
  
"Whatever" Ryder groaned and closed his eyes, resting his head back against the door, "you don't have to do his apologising for him, now you've done that you can go"  
  
There was silence for a moment and Ryder thought Will had gone so he let out a sigh. "Ryder, can you at least let me in to talk to you?" his voice asked clearly.  
  
"There's nothing to talk about" Ryder called back.  
  
"Yes there is, you're going through a tough time right now and"-  
  
"I need all the support I need, yeah yeah Finn's gone through the speech already. I'm not going to talk about it!"  
  
"we could talk about other stuff"  
  
"Stop pretending to care and act like you want to get to know me, because it's failing badly. Just piss off!"  
  
"Well, is there anything I can do?"  
  
"For the last time go away!" Ryder called back and closed his eyes hitting his head softly against the door. Why couldn't anyone get the message and just leave him alone? There was nothing he wanted to talk about to anyone.  
  
"Fine then" Will ended up snapping, "at least I tried" Ryder heard him mutter and by the long silence that followed he guessed Will had definitely gone by then. Ryder sighed and smacked his head against the door a few times, "I'm such an idiot" he muttered to himself.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ryder later jumped startled as someone burst in through his bedroom door later that night and glared slightly when he saw that it was Finn. "You know there's this thing called privacy" he muttered.  
  
"Sorry" Finn apologised and folded his arms, "I just came to see how you are"  
  
Ryder rolled his eyes. Why was everyone asking that? And acting all concerned? He was still the same old annoying Ryder that everyone hated but the rape made everyone feel so sorry for him, he thought, he just didn't understand it. "I'm just about to go to bed" he told him and gave him a pointed look.  
  
"Okay. Look Ryder, if you need to talk to anyone"-  
  
"I don't" Ryder cut in quickly.  
  
Finn swallowed and shifted on his feet, "well if you do"-  
  
"I'm tired, its been a long.. Hard day, can you just leave me to go to sleep please?" Ryder asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and rubbing his eyes.  
  
"Sure. Will you be allright on your own?" Finn asked and Ryder gave him one of those looks and was about to open his mouth but Finn raised a hand, "okay, I'll go. Good night Ryder. come to my office in the morning for a chat" he closed the door behind him as he left.  
  
Ryder rolled his eyes. What was it with everyone asking him to talk about it, and talk about his feelings? They act all concerned now, but he bet they didn't really care. He slowly pulled off his clothes and sat on the edge of his bed in his t-shirt and boxers. He shivered as he looked around the empty quiet bedroom. He reached over and turned off the light, then felt chills of nerves running down his spine as he leapt into his bed and pulled the covers up tight wrapping himself up. He was breathing heavily as he looked around at the blank darkness in front of him, and shuffled down further on his bed, curling up and covering himself with more blanket. Its okay he thought, its okay its okay its okay he repeated in his mind. It was so quiet, dark and still, it was unnerving. The dark had never made him this nervous before. But soon he felt the strong lull of sleep pull over him and his eyes closed, and he left reality to dreamland.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------  
  
"STOP IT! STOP IT PLEASE!" The hysterical sobbing voice ran down the halls. Some students had wondered from their beds, curious and unnerved by the cries and they stood in their doorways looking across the hall worriedly, and glancing at each other.  
  
"LET GO OF ME!" the cries continued.  
  
Will who'd been woken up by the cries had rushed over to Finn's room and hammered on the door. "Finn its Ryder" he told Finn when the dishevelled man answered the door, then they both rushed back down the hallway towards Ryder's room.  
  
"Everybody get back in your rooms!" Finn had scolded and the students glanced at each other before reluctantly doing so.  
  
"What can I do?" Will asked.  
  
"Just. go back to your room" Finn told him as he barged in through the door that opened into Ryder's room.  
  
Ryder was thrashing out with his arms and legs on the bed, crying in his sleep and screaming out in a hysterical state from the nightmare he was lost in. Finn felt his insides freeze before he slammed the light on and moved over to the boy and grabbed him by the wrists, "Ryder! Ryder wake up! Wake up!" he was calling and shaking him to rouse him from the dream.  
  
Ryder's eyes fluttered open then widened with a haunted look, as his cries continued and he stared up at Finn, continuing to thrash out, "LET GO OF ME!" He screamed. Finn let go and stood by the bedside, "its okay its okay, you had a nightmare, you're safe now, calm down. breathe" he said, as if speaking to a young child.  
  
Ryder was now sat up, and panting, sweat soaking his t-shirt and he was shivering, eyes stinging from tears. He glanced around the room with a terrified look "it was happening all over again.. I was.. and" he trailed off as a harsh sob was let out.  
  
"It was just a dream Ryder, you're safe now, whoever attacked you isn't here, they're not going to do it again" Finn said reaching out to place a hand on Ryder's shoulder.  
  
"Don't touch me" Ryder flinched and curled up in the corner of the wall on the bed, "I'm fucking dirty. I make everything..Bad, cos I am." he trailed off again as he continued to sob.  
  
Finn frowned watching the boy sadly, wondering what on earth he could do - Ryder didn't want anyone to help him, he didn't want anyone near him. Ryder was becoming so isolated, and was hurting so badly, it was painful for everyone around him to see. 


	5. critical alteration

Ryder faced the wall, curled up and near hiding under his quilt sniffling from quiet cries. Finn stayed until he fell asleep, before leaving, keeping the light on in the room before going out, slowly closing the door behind himself.  
  
When Ryder woke up he felt like he was suffocating as he flung his arm to the side and rolled onto his back, realising that the quilt was pulled up over his head. He yanked down the quilt and glanced around the still room and blinked looking up at the ceiling seeing that the light had been left on. He reluctantly left the almost comforting warmth of his bed to walk across the room and turn the light off. He then hesitantly walked over to the window and pulled back an edge of the curtain.  
  
It was mockingly bright outside, the sunshine hurting his eyes as he looked down at the world outside the window. Students walking around, talking to groups of friends, some smiling and laughing. A group of students off to the far left of the grassy area playing football, cheering as someone scored a goal. Everything looked so bitterly happy that Ryder frowned, hating it. It was as if no-one cared, and they were just carrying on with their lives. Outside the window the world was drifting by but here on the otherside it was like time had stopped, and Ryder was trapped inside this dark silent room, isolated from everything.  
  
He sighed and stepped away from the window, the curtain falling back, drenching the room into dimmer light. He was feeling his skin crawl from feelings of dirt trapped inside again and decided he needed a shower. He grabbed some clean clothes and went over to his door, about to grab the handle but stopped when he heard laughter outside. He listened carefully as a group of boys walked and talked their way past his room and he froze.  
  
He waited until he was sure it was quiet and no-one was there in the hallway, he guessed that everyone was going to lessons anyway. He reluctantly opened the door and left the safe dark confines of his room, and walked hurriedly down the hallways right against the wall until he got to the shower room. Luckily it was empty and he sighed, stepping into a shower cubicle and shutting the curtain. He turned the water on listening to the reassuring sounds of the water hissing as he began to slowly strip off his clothing.  
  
As each piece of clothing was removed he shook a bit more and he was looking forwards, not daring to look down at the body he now despised. He darted under the hot water and closed his eyes, pressing his back against the tiled wall before slowly sliding down to sit on the floor of the shower. He drifted under the darkness of having his eyes squeezed shut, and the warm water rushing over his body, willing the dirt he felt to be washed away. He then suddenly felt like hands were being run over his body scratching away at his skin and opened his eyes with a gasp, looking around expecting someone to be there, but there wasn't. He was alone. He curled up a bit more and suddenly realised that he was the one scratching away at his skin. He held his hands up in front of him and saw faint watery red liquid slip off his fingers. He swallowed and looked down nervously at his legs to see a long trail of scratches from his nails, it looked like a wild cat had attacked them. "shit" he cursed, staring at the long red lines, his legs tingling from hot sensation before he reached up and slammed the water off.  
  
He stood up and grabbed the towel he'd brought with him and dried himself quickly. He tried drying his legs as best he could but the material hurt against the scratches so he gave up and pulled on his dry clean clothing. He grabbed all of his stuff together and hurried to leave the shower and get back to his room.  
  
As the door swung open a voice clearly said "-all that screaming was freaky, do you think Ryder's gone a bit, crazy?" He froze and almost dropped everything he was holding and the person and their friend turned and spotted Ryder, and immediately looked embarrassed and turned away. Ryder looked down at the floor as he quickly rushed off to his bedroom and dropped all his stuff onto the bed.  
  
Everybody thought he was crazy now? He thought. No wonder everyone was smiling and laughing he thought, as he remembered looking out of the window earlier. I bet they're all laughing at me behind my back, they don't really feel sympathy for me, they just think I got what I deserved-  
  
"There you are" he jumped and turned around to see Finn standing in the doorway.  
  
"Would you stop just, turning up like that?" Ryder snapped.  
  
"I'm sorry. How are you feeling this morning?" Finn asked.  
  
Ryder just looked away and sat on the edge of his bed. I feel like everybody's staring at me thinking about what a crazy faggot I am he thought in his mind. "Oh yeah.. you wanted me to go to your office for a chat in the morning" he said after seeing the clock on his desk reading 12:45pm and stared at it confused.  
  
"You were sleeping, thought I'd leave you to rest. Do you feel up to being around people today?" Fin asked and Ryder looked over at him with a mixed expression of confusion and questioning. "You haven't eaten in a while, thought you might want to join everyone at dinner. Maybe go to the common room afterwards, see your friends"-  
  
"I'll pass thanks" Ryder said bitterly staring at the wall opposite. He didn't feel hungry at all, and he didn't want to face everyone staring at him again. And as for seeing friends - what friends?  
  
"Okay, well if you change your mind. I've got to go, I have to teach a lesson soon"  
  
"Hmm, whatever" Ryder muttered and watched the door close after Finn left. He then sighed and shifted on the bed, wincing a little as the material of his jeans brushed against his leg. He leaned over as much he could without feeling pain and rolled up the jean leg to inspect the scratches. They were horrible red marks and some were still bleeding a little. His eyes watched mesmerised as the thick red liquid oozed from the scratches he caused himself. He reached over with a shaky hand and brushed a finger lightly over one of the cuts, feeling a tingling pain, and brushed the blood away. He then looked at his finger at the small red stain and imagined it was the dirt that had been inside his body, but now it had bled out. He licked his lips and chewed the lower lip as he yanked back down the leg of his jeans.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ryder remained in his room alone for the rest of the day. He didn't turn up to dinner and didn't go to the common room, just stayed away on his own. Finn was becoming worried of Ryder's state - his isolation, not eating, the nightmare the night before. Ryder just hid away and blanked out everything as he lay curled up under his quilt on his bed, lost in his own little world.  
  
Soon night fell again and Ryder left the lamp on his desk on, feeling so weak and pathetic like a child afraid of the dark. He lay on his side with his back to the wall, staring out at the room, watching the door, incase anyone came in he could see them. He could then quickly protect himself as well, because there was a baseball bat underneath his bed. No-one can hurt you now he tried convincing himself.  
  
Like the night before he soon drifted off to sleep. Like the night before he screamed and cried in his sleep from the nightmares, reliving the horror of what had happened to him, feeling all the pain and humiliation all over again. Like the night before he'd woken everyone up and was shaken awake by Finn, who stayed with Ryder until he reluctantly fell back asleep.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Hey Will" Finn said, calling the boy back the next day when the lesson had ended, "can I ask you a really big a favor?"  
  
"Sure, what is it?" Will asked, standing near the teacher's desk as he slung his backpack over his shoulder.  
  
"Well its about Ryder" Finn sighed leaning back in his chair and watched Will look down at the floor and let his bag slide off down his arm and be placed onto a nearby table.  
  
"What do you want me to do?" Will asked.  
  
"As you and, well, everyone knows - Ryder's going through a difficult time because of what happened to him and he's isolating himself from everyone and everything. He needs someone to talk to though, instead of keeping everything bottled up inside"  
  
"So. you want me to try talking to him and get him to open up to somebody?" Will leaned against his desk and played with the zip on his bag.  
  
Finn nodded and leaned forward, resting his arms on his desk. "Yes but also. keep an eye on him. He's in a really bad state and we're all worried about him. I was wondering if you'd consider sharing a room with him?"  
  
"What? Me?" Will's eyes widened, "I don't know Finn, we're not exactly friends"  
  
"But you're a good kid Will" Finn stated and then sighed, "I haven't spoken to Ryder about this yet, I just thought. well its an idea. To make sure he doesn't do anything. stupid"  
  
"You think he would?"  
  
"In his state, maybe. You've all seen how he's become he's completely changed. And at night, he won't admit it but he's terrified Will, especially of being on his own despite how much he pushes people away"  
  
"He's putting up barriers" Will stated, thinking about what Jake had said the other day.  
  
"Exactly" Finn nodded.  
  
"And you think I could break them?" Will raised an eyebrow and looked sceptical.  
  
"I would appreciate it if you could try. At least think about it. Ryder needs all the help he can get - considering he doesn't want to talk to the police, counsellors, anyone"  
  
"What you mean, he hasn't told the police about what happened?!" Will's eyes widened.  
  
Finn shook his head, "I shouldn't be telling you, but he doesn't want the police involved. I think he doesn't want to face up to what happened yet, and them questioning him won't help"  
  
Will looked down and shook his head slightly then looked back up, "what about Scout?" he asked thinking of his room mate.  
  
"Talk to him about it. I was thinking if you and Ryder agree to this idea, then he could swap with Scout, so Scout would have Ryder's room and Ryder would share your room with you"  
  
"Well.. I'll think about it and talk to Scout. But only if you talk to Ryder about it first, I have a feeling he'll hate the idea" Will reluctantly said.  
  
"Me too" Finn groaned.  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------  
  
"WHAT?!" Ryder stared at Finn incredulously as he stood in the middle of his room, "for God's sake I don't need babysitting! Especially not by Will" he snapped bitterly with a look of disgust.  
  
"Just think about it Ryder! I was only thinking of your well being - trying to make you see you're not alone in this and people care" Finn spoke to him.  
  
"Why is everyone trying to invade my privacy all the time?! And this idea - sharing a room with Will?! I don't want him around, or anyone for that matter, I mean he'll probably be there when I'm getting dressed" he shuddered, "or trying to sleep, or"-  
  
"Okay, I get that you're feeling unsure and have.issues" he mumbled the word but Ryder caught it and gave him a death glare, "but think about it Ryder - he'll be around as someone for you to talk to. And I can't keep waking you up from nightmares" Finn said.  
  
"Oh I see, passing the concern and care off to someone else because you can't be bothered anymore" Ryder snapped.  
  
"That's not true Ryder!" Finn raised his voice a little. "Look, it was just an idea, and as I can see, a bad one. I just thought you might appreciate the help and protection was all" Fin said and headed to the door.  
  
Ryder laughed disbelieving, "protection? Me, protected by Will?" he laughed and his only answer was the door closing behind Finn. He couldn't believe it - Finn thought he needed protection? He thought Ryder couldn't protect himself? Of course you can't you idiot, you couldn't stop those drunk guys from raping you could you? a little voice in his mind said. His face twisted into a frown as he collapsed onto the bed and groaned closing his eyes. He couldn't protect himself then, did that mean he couldn't protect himself now? He froze at the thought of not being able to protect himself from an attack in the future. Surely it couldn't happen to him - a second time? He felt his insides twist.  
  
But Will? Ryder frowned. He and Will hated each other right? They couldn't stand to be in the same room as each other for a few seconds, let alone share a room. Oh but of course Finn would pick Will to be someone for me to share a room with, Ryder thought bitterly, "teacher's pet" he muttered. Will would do anything to suck up to and make a good impression on Finn Ryder thought. He could just imagine Will trying to be friends with him, trying to talk to him, protect him. Ha, whatever Ryder thought, I don't need anybody, especially him to be watching me all the time, babysitting me - he frowned again hating the idea.  
  
But then again, he thought, he did hate being alone in the night. He hated lying there with nothing but the quiet darkness, the unknowing of what was out there to get him. And it was embarrassing having Finn have to rush in to wake him from the nightmares that were beginning to plague him. He thought about what the boy had said when he'd walked out the shower room. Was he going crazy? Maybe that was why Finn wanted someone to keep an eye on him. I'm not going crazy Ryder told himself, then thought about the scratches on his legs. I didn't do that because I'm crazy I just, I was just having a shower, was cleaning myself that was all he was telling himself. He curled up on the bed. "I'm not going crazy" he whispered as if trying to convince himself, but the problem was convincing everyone else.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
"He detested the idea" Finn informed Will in his office.  
  
"I thought he would" Will mumbled and shifted on his feet, "well, it was a good idea you had anyway. Its not like you can force us into it" he thought. In a way he was a bit relieved, having the same thoughts as Ryder about how they couldn't stand each other that much, and couldn't be in the same room as each other for a few minutes without breaking out into some argument. He'd also spoken to Scout about it and he'd been sceptical about the idea.  
  
"Yeah I know. Its just difficult watching him being so.. so self- destructive and suffering in silence, not being able to do much about it. He was raped, he has to face upto it, not bottle everything up inside"  
  
"Don't the doctor's make him go see a counsellor?" Will asked.  
  
Finn shook his head, "in the end its Ryder's decision, and you can imagine where he told them to shove the counsellor and the victim support group idea"  
  
Will frowned, why did Ryder have to be so stubborn? Why couldn't he accept the help everyone was offering him, instead of pushing everyone away from him?  
  
A hesitant knock on the door made them both look over to the door and Finn called "come in" giving an apologetic look of sorts to Will. They watched as a shy looking Ryder hesitantly entered the room and closed the door behind him.  
  
"Ah Ryder" Finn said standing up from his desk.  
  
"I better leave then" Will said and went to walk out of the room.  
  
"about that room sharing idea with Will" Ryder blurted out quickly and both Finn and Will stood still and looked at him with slight surprise. "Uh" Ryder ran a hand through his hair, "I guess, maybe, um, give it a try, just to see if, might be good idea" he was mumbling.  
  
"Will you still up for it?" Finn asked looking over at him.  
  
Will looked between Finn and Ryder before nodding, "yeah.I guess. I suppose I better go tell Scout he's moving rooms then?". He and Finn both caught Ryder's questioning confused look.  
  
"It would be logical if Scout moved to your room and you moved into the other room with Will" Finn explained to Ryder.  
  
Ryder groaned and rolled his eyes, "fine but.. this is only temporary right?" he asked looking from Will to Finn.  
  
"Right" they both nodded at Ryder, and as he turned to go back to his room Finn and Will exchanged glances. 


	6. illustrate weakness

Will groaned as he struggled to carry the box of stuff from Ryder's room to their new to be shared room. How much stuff has he got? Will thought he's only moving rooms, not to a mansion! In front of him Ryder pushed the door open and dropped the bag he was carrying to the floor with a sigh before walking ahead. Will stumbled, almost tripping over the bag on the floor as he dropped the box of stuff onto the spare bed and let out a relieved sigh. Moron, Will thought glaring back at the bag, we're not here for less than a minute and he's already trying to kill me. He looked up to see Ryder sitting on the edge of Will's bed by the window.  
  
"Uh, that's my bed" Will stated as he looked over at Ryder and ran a hand through his hair, still feeling a bit exhausted from carrying the box.  
  
"Not any more" Ryder replied and turned to glance at the window. It seemed logical to him to have the bed by the window. That way if any attackers burst into the room with say, a gun, Will's bed would be the first they'd see and so they'd attack him first, giving Ryder time to escape by jumping out the window, even if it meant risking breaking a load of bones. I'd rather jump out a window than be shot, he thought as he lay back on the bed.  
  
"Huh?" Will stared at him confused and Ryder stared back at him. Uh oh, guess I said that last thought out loud Ryder thought.  
  
"I said, I'm rather be by the window. because I get hot.." Ryder said then added "At night".  
  
Will stared at him a bit longer giving him a look that read a slow 'oookay'. He shook his head, "fine whatever, have that bed".  
  
Ryder smirked and then widened his eyes a little as he watched Will rummage through his stuff in the box. "What are you doing?" he immediately sat up.  
  
"Seeing as you're being lazy and turned me into your slave within minutes, I thought I'd start unpacking your stuff seeing as you're not" Will explained.  
  
"Haven't you ever heard of privacy?" Ryder snapped and got up from the bed walking over, "leave it alone, I'll sort it out"  
  
"Fine" Will raised his hands up a little, "don't you want me to help with the unpacking at all? I mean there's a lot of"-  
  
"No" Ryder cut in.  
  
"Fine" Will sighed and rolled his eyes and pointed a wardrobe, "you can use that one, and there's some cleared shelves on the wall if you need them"  
  
Ryder appeared to be ignoring him but was still staring at Will with an expectant look and a slightly raised eyebrow.  
  
"What?" Will asked.  
  
"Get out" Ryder stated giving Will a slight push, "I don't want you around when I'm unpacking my clothes and stuff"  
  
Again Will rolled his eyes at Ryder's behaviour, "fine, I'll be back in a while" he said and turned leaving the room, grateful to be away from Ryder's mood for a while.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"With Ryder? You. and Ryder. sharing a room?" Hamilton stared at Will in disbelief.  
  
"Its only temporary, and anyway it was Finn's idea" Will muttered as he stirred the ice in his cola with the straw.  
  
"And you agreed to it! Then you're both crazy" Hamilton smirked and shook his head.  
  
"Why did you agree to it anyway?" Scout wanted to know, a little moody he'd been just chucked out of his own room, but glad of having his own big room none the less.  
  
"Well when Finn explained it made sense. basically its just to, keep an eye on Ryder, make sure he doesn't you know. do anything. stupid" Will mumbled.  
  
"Nothing stops Ryder being stupid" Hamilton said and got elbowed by Jake.  
  
"Well I think its cool of you Will, I kind of admire you for agreeing to do it" Jake said positively with a smile to Will.  
  
Hamilton snorted with laughter from disbelief and got some glares.  
  
"Well good luck man anyway man, you're going to need it" Jake reached over to pat Will on the shoulder.  
  
"That's a bit of an understatement" he said.  
  
------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ryder sat down on the floor staring at the mess around him. He'd managed to pack most of the stuff but then it got boring. There was now just a few items of clothes littered on the floor around him and he stared sadly with a frown. Looking at all of his stuff, none of it seemed cool anymore, or looked great, or anything. Everything now seemed to have no meaning to him and were all worthless. Everything he looked at seemed dirty and screamed 'crazy faggot's property' to him. He had an urge just to throw everything he owned away, or burn it all. He wanted to be rid of everything.  
  
Will walked in and stared in surprise at Ryder sat on the floor at the foot of his bed looking utterly miserable, surrounded by clothes. "Wasn't there enough space in the wardrobe?" he asked somewhat sarcastically and stepped over some jeans and t-shirts to open the wardrobe door to see that there was lots of space left. He looked down as he turned to face the other boy "Ryder?"  
  
"What?" he snapped miserably.  
  
"You can't leave all this lying around" Will said and bent down to start picking up random pieces of clothes.  
  
"Just leave it" Ryder mumbled but Will carried on picking up the clothes. As Will grabbed onto a t-shirt Ryder snatched it from his hand and there was a slight ripping sound, "I said leave it!"  
  
Will blinked at Ryder, used to his moods anyway, but surprised, and placed the clothes he'd picked up onto his bed. "Well what do you want me to"-  
  
"Throw it away for all I care" Ryder snapped and folded his arms over his knees, ripped t-shirt still held in one hand and pouted moodily and glared at space ahead of him.  
  
"You're just too damn lazy to put away your own clothes" Will muttered and grabbed some coathangers, beginning to put the clothes onto them and placing some into the wardrobe.  
  
"I said to"-  
  
"Well I don't care what you say, I'm putting them away" Will cut in and continued.  
  
Ryder frowned and stared at the ripped t-shirt in his hands, spreading it over his knees and running his hands down the material. He began thinking about that night again, when the boy had pulled down his jeans, and he remembered his muddied and bloodied clothing, the rips in his t-shirt.  
  
Will put the last hanged piece of clothing into the wardrobe and shut the doors with a sigh. He heard a weird sort of gasping, sniffling sound and turned to stare at Ryder who was crying into the t-shirt that was held in his hands.  
  
"I didn't mean to rip it, I can buy you a new one" Will said, thinking how bad it was that Ryder was overreacting to a ripped T-shirt.  
  
"Its not that" Ryder mumbled through his tears, feeling pathetic sitting there crying in front of Will. He wished the floor would open up and swallow him right then.  
  
Will felt his insides twist a little and bit his lip as he crouched down in front of him, "do you want to talk about it?" he asked reaching to put a hand on Ryder's shoulder.  
  
"Piss off!" Ryder snapped, not looking up from the t-shirt he was crying into. He didn't want to see Will looking smug, laughing at him inside, or with sympathy, he was thinking. Will wasn't feeling smug or wanted to laugh at him though.  
  
Will stood up and walked over to his desk, tearing some tissues from the box and walking back over to Ryder, crouching down again and holding them out to Ryder, "here, use the tissues, don't want to ruin the t-shirt anymore than it is" he tried a smile.  
  
"Oh fuck the t-shirt" Ryder snapped looking up briefly and chucking it angrily to the side. He flinched slightly when the tissues were thrusted to him and he took them from Will and wiped at his eyes. "God you must think I'm some pathetic nutcase"  
  
Will shook his head, "No I don't. I'm just concerned about you"  
  
"You must be the only one then" Ryder let out an empty laugh as he sniffed, "people concerned about me, whatever" he rolled his teary eyes.  
  
"Of course people are. Why do you think Finn was at the hospital and everything with you? Why do you think I agreed to share a room with you? We all care Ryder and want to help, you just don't want to accept any" Will said sitting opposite Ryder.  
  
Ryder sniffed and frowned, he wiped his eyes again as he thought about what Will said. He chewed his lip a little before saying, "You're not going to tell anyone I cried are you?" he looked embarrassed with a somehow pained look.  
  
Will smirked and shook his head, "anything done or said in this room, doesn't leave the room" he said.  
  
"That could sound really gross" Ryder made an 'ick' sort of grossed out face, as he thought about how Will and Scout shared a room before he'd moved in, and he did NOT want to think about that anymore.  
  
Will rolled his eyes, how typical of Ryder. "You feeling okay now?" he asked.  
  
Ryder sniffled a bit more and licked his lips a little before slowly nodding.  
  
"Good. If you want to talk about anything Ryder, you can talk to me. And everything will be kept confidential" Will offered.  
  
Ryder gave another short nod looking a bit uncomfortable. "Thanks for." he nodded towards the wardrobe.  
  
"No problem. You can't put away clothes to save your life" Will stood up, "I knew I'd be left to do it anyway"  
  
Ryder slowly stood up, still clutching the tissue in his hand, " this is all just weird"  
  
"What do you mean?" Will asked then thought of how dumb a question it was.  
  
"A few days ago I was just Ryder the annoying English jerk that everyone loved to hate, and now. I'm a pathetic nutcase, who people pity" Ryder sat down on the edge of the bed.  
  
"You're not a pathetic nutcase and well yeah, people do feel pity for you. but don't worry you're still an annoying jerk" Will smirked at him. Ryder smirked back, "thanks, that was really reassuring" he muttered.  
  
"No problem" Will shrugged and sat opposite Ryder on the opposite bed.  
  
"Okay now THIS is weird" Ryder shuddered.  
  
"What?" Will asked confused.  
  
"Us.. talking. almost, getting along. I haven't hit you in. in days!" Ryder's eyes widened a little, "God what have I changed into?"  
  
Will smiled, "you can hit me if it'll make you feel better" he joked.  
  
"I'm not helping you carry out your twisted sexual fantasies" Ryder replied, to which Will just rolled his eyes.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------  
  
Later that night the boys were getting ready for bed. "Face away or I will hit you" Ryder warned and Will turned his back to him and stared at the wall.  
  
"Hurry up, I need to get dressed too you know" Will told him.  
  
Ryder shuddered, "urk, don't tell me that" he quickly yanked off his clothing and felt himself blush. Oh God he thought, me, Ryder, blushing?! He felt vulnerable with Will in the room as he was getting dressed. He left his boxers on and yanked on a t-shirt before diving into his new bed under the covers. He faced the window and coughed, "done".  
  
Will sighed as he turned and spotted Ryder lying in his bed with the covers yanked over his body before he started to undress to his boxers and put on a t-shirt. He didn't feel vulnerable or embarrassed like Ryder did, then again he hadn't gone through what Ryder had. But sharing a room with Scout for so long meant he was fine with it.  
  
Ryder rolled onto his back and let out a sigh, turning to glance casually to the side then widened his eyes when he caught Will just about to put his t-shirt on. He quickly rolled onto his side to face the wall again. "dirty faggot" the words rang in his ears as he thought about what happened again and shut his eyes tight.  
  
Will sighed as he climbed into his bed and pulled the covers up over himself then twisted around awkwardly to turn the lamp on the desk off. He then glanced to Ryder and asked, "Do you want the light left on?"  
  
Ryder just shook his head. He felt that is he said yes he'd appear weak to Will, which he didn't want. Crying in front of him earlier that day was mortifying enough.  
  
"Well.. good night" Will said and there was a click, then the room was drenched into darkness. Ryder lay frozen staring at the wall through the darkness, body tense with a slight fear. He didn't say anything back, because nights were never good now.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Will was a light sleeper, and was woken by movements to his side and a weird sound. It was like a soft whimpering, not a crying sound. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, searching through the darkness until his focus rested on Ryder, fidgeting around on his bed like he was in some slight distress. Oh no, will thought, Ryder was lost in the start of a nightmare. He bit his lip and glanced around. He didn't think anyone would appreciate Ryder being left to scream and get hysterical in his sleep again. And he had told Finn he'd 'keep an eye' on Ryder. He knew he'd have to wake Ryder up, he was just a bit nervous about what kind of a reaction Ryder might have.  
  
Slowly Will got up from his bed and moved across the room towards the sleeping boy, who had rolled over to face the way that Will was, and Ryder let out a small whimper kind of noise, frown on his face and a pained look.  
  
Will let out a shaky breath before reaching for Ryder's shoulder and hesitantly placing his hand onto him. He began to shake Ryder slightly, "Ryder. Ryder wake up" he whispered in almost a hiss. There was a groan from Ryder and Will repeated a "Ryder wake up" a bit louder with a rougher shake.  
  
Ryder gasped awake and was immediately aware of someone in the room right beside him, with a hand on his shoulder. He sat up quickly and shoved the hand away from him in panic, edging back on the bed until his back hit the headboard.  
  
Will reached over and turned the lamp on with a soft click, light immediately flooding back into the room. "Its just me Ryder. You were having a nightmare, I think" Will explained as he turned to face him again.  
  
Ryder had a slightly petrified look on his face, mixed with something else that Will couldn't quite decipher. "D-did I wake anyone else up?" Ryder asked nervously.  
  
Will shook his head and sat down on the edge of the bed, Ryder flinched automatically. "Do you want to talk about your dream?"  
  
Ryder looked away, "I can't remember it" he said, and bit onto his lower lip. Will knew he was lying but he knew pushing him into talking to him wouldn't work.  
  
"Well. are you okay? I could get you a drink or something" Will asked trying to be helpful.  
  
"No" Ryder snapped, "I mean don't get anything, I'm fine, just.. just leave me alone. Get off my bed" he gave Will a slight kick which Will took as a hint and crossed the room to sit on his own bed.  
  
"Well seeing as you don't want to talk or anything, I'm going back to bed. I'll leave the light on for you" Will said as he lay down and pulled the quilt up over himself. He thought Ryder might have talked to him, after earlier he thought there was some kind of progress. He understood Ryder had gone through a traumatic time, but he needed to stop being stubborn and talk to people, Will just had to figure out how to get Ryder to do that. Ryder was lying still in his own bed, staring up at the ceiling. He was remembering the dream, all the feelings and imagery still afresh in his mind. He wanted to tell Will, but he didn't want him to think he was crazy, or just feel sympathy for him. He hated keeping everything bottled up inside, he felt like it was killing who he was. He was just afraid of letting all this stuff out of his mind though. Most of all he wanted to get all the dirt he felt out of his body, and he thought back to the scratches on his legs, how relieved he felt when he saw the blood drip off, carrying the dirt away with it. 


	7. fresh revelation

The next day Will sighed and closed his eyes briefly after leaving Finn's office. Finn wanted to talk to him about Ryder's 'progress'. Will explained that he didn't expect Ryder to suddenly trust him and open up so soon, and they discussed how worried they were about Ryder staying away in his room alone all day and that he hadn't ate for days. Will also told Finn about how Ryder was still having difficulty sleeping and getting nightmares as they expected.   
  
Will walked back to the bedroom he was sharing with Ryder and knocked on the door shortly before entering the room to see Ryder sitting on his bed and look up, with a miserable slightly scared expression and looking exhausted as usual. "Hey Ryder... how ya feeling?" he asked cautiously.  
  
"Haven't you got lessons to be going to?" Ryder raised an eyebrow and gave a slight glare.   
  
"I just thought you might want some company, what with you hiding away in here all day" Will replied.  
  
"I'm not hiding" Ryder snapped and folded his arms, "I just don't feel like going out anywhere" he said looking away. Well that was true - he didn't want to go out and be stared out, talked about etc.  
  
"You're missing a lot of lessons, i could get you some notes about the work you've missed" Will offered, thinking maybe catching up on the work would give Ryder something to do.  
  
Ryder just had that slightly mocking sarcastic smirk on his face as he rolled his eyes, "don't bother, i could care less about missing work right now" he shifted position on the bed, "Finn said i could return to lessons when I felt ready anyway" he muttered.   
  
Will shifted on his feet uneasily. "Okay well um, do you want to meet me later in the cafeteria at dinner time?" he asked and saw the kind of look Ryder was giving him. "You need to get out of this room sometime Ryder, and you need to eat. You haven't eaten in days"  
  
"I'm just not hungry okay, i'm fine, here on my own, away from you annoying people" Ryder sighed and lay down on his back on the bed.   
  
"Would it really be so bad to have dinner in the cafeteria and join me, Scout, Jake, Ham"-  
  
"Yeah like those two want to be in the same room as me, let alone sit at the same table" Ryder cut in, remembering the little incident in the common room the other day, the words Hamilton had said, the look he'd given Ryder-  
  
"Well, do you want me to bring you some food back here then?" Will persisted.   
  
"Do what the hell you want, just stop pestering me!" Ryder snapped.   
  
Will sighed, "fine, whatever, i guess I'll see you later" he turned to leave.  
  
"Fine!" Ryder snapped as the door closed behind Will.   
  
Ryder groaned and lay onto his side, wincing a little at a forgotten bruise that made him remember. His stomach let out a hungry growl and he frowned. He was starving. He sat up slowly and looked around deciding he needed another shower.   
  
Grabbing some clean clothes he cautiously opened the bedroom door, looking around before quickly leaving and quickly walked to the shower room. He closed the door behind him and went into the nearest cubicle, yanking the curtain across and carefully shedding off his clothes nervously, then slammed the tap on allowing warm water to burst out over him.  
  
He sighed closing his eyes, leaning against the tiled wall of the shower and feeling the warm water running over his body, and felt bitterly angry at himself. He knew Will was just trying to be friendly, but Ryder couldn't help but feel some kind of paranoia about Will's concern. Why would someone like Will try and make an effort with a guy like Ryder? I bet its just to get in Finn's good books, which he already is anyway Ryder thought bitterly. He knew Will would be talking to Finn about him, and that was a paranoid thought in itself. What do they say about me? Ryder thought, probably something like 'That Ryder is a crazy dirty faggot don't you think Will?' 'sure is, he's so weak and pathetic - you should have seen him cry, oh the entertainment!' Ryder groaned and opened his eyes angrily and slid down the wall to sit on the floor of the shower and glanced at his legs.  
  
There were still red marks from the other day, and scabs in long lines traced from his nails. Gingerly he reached with his hands to run his fingers over the scabs and bit his lip. He could practically see the blood flowing down his legs allready, carrying the dirt away and down the drain. He shook his head and looked at the scabs again then began picking away at one of them with a wincing frown on his face as he scratched away along the line with his nails, and soon blood oozed out, and he felt a buzzing kind of relief.   
  
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A couple of hours later Will returned to their room with a tray of food for Ryder. It took a few minutes to explain why he needed to take the tray out of the cafeteria but then they understood and told him to take whatever was wanted. He balanced the tray awkwardly in his arms as he struggled to open the door then stumbled through.   
  
Ryder looked up from where he was sat on the bed cross legged and it looked to Will like he hadn't moved from that place since he last saw him, but realised he was wearing different clothes.   
  
"I brought you, some food, in case, it seemed you didn't change your mind" Will mumbled as he placed the tray down onto the desk nearby and let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. He thought he heard Ryder mumble something so he said "what?" and blinked as a hand reached out to the tray in front of him and grabbed the glass of coke.   
  
"I said thanks" Ryder spoke slowly as he sipped the coke and took a step away from Will so he wasn't as close to him and tapped his nails on the glass nervously. "You really didn't have to do this"  
  
Will shrugged, "so what have you been upto this afternoon?" he decided to ask as he went over to his bed and sat down on it, looking up to watch Ryder.   
  
Ryder shrugged as he put the glass down onto the desk and dragged out the nearby chair to sit down on, "nothing. Had a shower" he replied casually as he picked up a fork and poked a few chips.   
  
"Oh.... okay" Will said watching Ryder somewhat cautiously as he nervously stabbed a chip onto the fork and held it up. Ryder glanced over to Will and felt uneased under his gaze. "This is what we English folk call a chip" he spoke sarcastically and bit into it.  
  
"Sorry" Will coughed, "didn't mean to stare"  
  
"You need to sort out your head Will if you like the sight of men eating" Ryder muttered.   
  
"I don't!" Will snapped, "its just you know, we're sharing a room because I'm keeping an eye on you"  
  
"What you think the evil chips will attack me from the inside? No wonder you brought this food here. Or will the fork somehow leap up and stab me in the eye" Ryder carried on.   
  
"I don't know why i even bother with you" Will muttered and walked over to his wardrobe to get a jumper, it was quite cold in the room and it was raining outside.  
  
"Why do you?" Ryder's question caught Will by surprise.   
  
"Huh?" he answered intelligently as he yanked the jumper over his head and then peered up to see that Ryder was turned in the seat facing him.   
  
"I'm asking, why do you even bother with me?" Ryder repeated slowly, resting an arm on the back of the chair, "I mean your friends and yourself hate me"-  
  
"I don't hate you" Will said and walked across the room feeling a bit uneased by the questioning, "you're just a very complex... difficult person. Considering what happened...." he trailed off and turned to see Ryder had turned back on the chair staring at his plate miserably.   
  
"Pity, of course, what did I expect. How could i ever possibly expect anyone to consider me a nice, well just an okay person? I'm just Ryder the english bastard" he was muttering.   
  
"Don't put yourself down like that. You are an.... okay person, when you want to be" Will sat on the edge of his bed. "Keeping yourself locked away here all day, you can hardly make friends that way"  
  
"Whats the point anyway? Everyone hates me, they just expect me to be a jerk all the time" Ryder pouted moodily as he stabbed the food again with his fork.   
  
"What, you just act like a jerk because you think thats what everyone expects of you?" Will's eyes widened slightly at the revelation.   
  
"Oh don't act so surprised Will" Ryder rolled his eyes, "do you think i want to be stuck in America with no friends - really?"  
  
Will shifted and folded his arms, thinking about what Jake had said and he said to Finn the other day, "so, you put up these barriers all the time Ryder.... why?" he was feeling an inner sort of excitement, Ryder was finally sort of opening up.  
  
"Haven't you been listening to me at all?" Ryder snapped and dropped the fork he was holding. He spends all this time telling me to open up and then he doesn't listen, what did i expect? Ryder thought.   
  
"Well i mean, you say you want friends - but all this act you put on, it just pushes people away Ryder. Do you really want to push everyone away from you? Really i mean"  
  
Ryder frowned, "saves me getting hurting again" he snapped bitterly.   
  
Will bit his lip and there was an awkward silence. "Ryder" he sighed, starting to say something-  
  
"Just shut up Will, i don't need some fucking shrink wanna be analysing me right now" Ryder snapped and shoved the tray away knocking the glass of coke over as he moved away and went to his own bed.   
  
Will chewed on his lower lip as he got up and went and grabbed tissues and began clearing up the spill. There was an awkward tension in the air as he cleaned up the mess and Ryder sat on the bed facing away from him. "I was just going to say, I'm not trying to be a shrink...... I'm trying to be a friend" he looked at the soaked tissues and threw them into the nearby bin. "Your dinner's getting cold" he said quietly.   
  
Ryder was staring down at the slightly shaking hands in his lap as he bit his lip hard, trying to fight back the stinging sensation in his eyes of forming tears. 


End file.
